consider the birds...

 i think its fairly common place for people to worry.   we often look at our situation and our circumstances and we worry about things.  we worry about finances, we worry about health issues, we worry about relationships, we worry about people in our lives who seem to be making wrong decision after wrong decision.   worse, we look in the mirror and worry about making wrong decision after wrong decision.  

i have been very guilty of worrying.   i do it often.   for a long time i worked very hard to maintain this image as this guy who didn't worry about anything.  i went out of my way to make it seem like i had it all together.  but inside i was crumbling.   collapsing on my self.   i actually had very real, vivid, frightening dreams of myself carrying my family as i sprinted down the hall of a building that was collapsing all around us.  i was running as fast as i could towards the end of the hall but the end never came, and i just felt like i would run out of time, and the building would crush us before i made it to the exit door.  then, one day, it did.   it collapsed.   it all came down.   and my life, and my families life changed, dramatically and forever. 

its actually cliche to say that it changed forever.   i mean, isn't the very definition of change that it is different forever.   can we really ever go back to exactly the way it was.   the other aspect of that phrase is that it is often given a negative slant.   like our lives were devastated by this event or change.   but even if the event was devastating, our change doesn't need to be.

and that's where i have found myself.  in a place of recognizing that this worry thing is doing nothing to help me.   or anyone around me.   i am not saying that we disregard those things in our lives that we are concerned about.  i am not saying that we need to just let happen to our children whatever happens and we shouldn't be concerned about them.   but there is a a difference between worry and being concerned.   worry consumes us.  concern helps us to be more aware.    being aware is a good thing.  it allows us to be more present in our circumstances and relationships.  worry draws our attention away from the reality of the situation. 

author and pastor Francis Chan has a passage from his book Crazy Love that is one of my favorite "reality checks" about worry.  its a quote that i have often referred back to for myself when i find myself worrying.  he says:

"When I am consumed by my problems --- stressed out about my life, my family, and my job --- i actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important that God's command to always rejoice. In other words, that I have a right to disobey God because of the magnitude of my responsibilities.

Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.

Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small, indeed.

We are we so quick to forget God? Who do we think we are? I find myself relearning this lesson often. Even though I glimpse God's holiness, I am still dumb enough to forget that life is all about God and not about me at all."

its a wake up call.   to think that i allow myself to be consumed by worry, by stressing about a situation that in my mind i convince myself that God has no interest in, and in turn means that He has no interest in me and how its effecting me.  

it takes being reminded of the passage of Jesus' words from Matthew 6 where he says to us not to worry.  don't stress about even the very essentials of food, shelter, clothing any of that.   and then in the next verse, an image that i have begun to allow to infiltrate my thoughts daily, hourly if neccessary.  this phrase that says "consider the birds..."   i have found myself adopting this phrase as almost a mantra.   when i find myself consumed with worry, overwhelmed by my own stresses, i simply need to "consider the birds"   to know that God cares for them, and provides for them, and cares for them deeply. 

instead, i need to, as it says in verse 33 and 34 of Matthew 6

 "...seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

its when i do this, then i am able to see the invitation to what God is doing, i am aware of how God is working and i am able to see that i am not just permitted, but eagerly invited to be part of it.

--aaron
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for the love of what?

over the last few weeks this huge debate has sprung up from a comment by Chick-Fil-A president Dan Cathy.  essentially Cathy said that he believes in the "Biblical" definition of traditional marriage.  as a Christian person, and a company that strives to base itself on Biblical principles, this really isn't a shocking statement.  i have been more shocked by the response to this statement then the statement itself.  

its never been a secret about the Christian background of the company, its long standing policy of being closed on Sundays being on of the biggest, most visible expressions of those principles.  so the fact that groups of people found this statement so shocking is confusing to me.   maybe what is shocking is that someone was willing to share their views.   i think we are in a place where the majority of people have a fear of sharing what they believe because of the backlash of being called either intolerant, hate-filled or whatever.   this doesn't just mean in the debate of gay marriage.  i mean this across the board.  our society has become consumed with the idea that who ever is the loudest is the most right.  that is simply not a true statement. 

Cathy shared his personal feelings.  that is his right, his first amendment, plain as day, written in black and white in the Constitution right.  the backlash that has me most concerned is the number of people, people of power, that have made ultimately illegal statements infringing on Cathy's rights to free speech.   agree with him or not, that first amendment is pretty clear.   but i don't seem to remember any constitutional right for anyone to get married.  gay or straight. the trampling of that first amendment right is disturbing and disgusting.  and i think its a terrifying example of the direction this country is headed.  political correctness has driven us to a place where our fear of offending anyone has brought us to the point where our genuine, laid out before us in the constitution rights are being tossed out the window.  i do not care, AT ALL, about where you stand on the gay marriage issue if it means that myself or anyone else in this country is not able to speak freely about what i believe.  this issue that has been born of Dan Cathy's statement should really be the story here, it is truly terrifying the statements and threats being thrown about because one man shared his personal opinion. 

as for the main stream Christian response... i think what has disturbed me the most has been this rallying behind the Biblical traditional marriage being this grand point we stand on.  but, lets get off our high horse for a minute.  stop fooling yourself.  can we honestly say that we hold this Biblical definition of marriage in such high esteem as we watch many, many of our friends and family members getting divorces.  really, how sacred do we hold this idea of marriage when we stand by watching countless marriages fall apart and we do nothing because we "don't want to interfere"  that's garbage, and it makes this cry of holding to the Biblical definition of marriage to be garbage as well.  this issue of gay marriage is something worth discussing, i do not deny that.  but stop pretending like we as Christians have really done our part of modeling the Biblical definition of marriage much of the time. 

wherever you stand on the issue, i thank God that we live in a country that you are free to express those feelings.   at least for now, at this rate, in could be a matter of months until that changes.

--aaron

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maple sap and a legacy

i have just arrived home from a really surreal time. i had the opportunity tonight to be a part of a worship and prayer time in the wake of this tragedy in my hometown of Chardon. i live a fair bit away from Chardon and it was a long drive, the ride up was relatively uneventful, i spent the time praying for the community, for the families and for the students. when i arrived at the church building, as i walked in there was the clear heaviness surrounding you, you could feel the hurt, the pain in the air. it was hard to be there. there was some time of prayer, some songs and some sharing.

after the time at the church wrapped up, i stuck around to talk to people. to pray. to try and focus on all that i had seen through a computer screen as i spent the day watching Twitter and Facebook and CNN.com and local television websites. i then left. the church building is really very close to the high school so i decided to drive past it. it was a very, well, i am not even sure of the word, but strange, unreal, disconcerting, image to me. i drove down the dark street towards the school, there were countless TV news satellite trucks everywhere. Five and six trucks all from one station.

i drove slowly past the school, it was quiet and dark, a far cry from the chaos i had seen on the screen earlier in the day. i rounded the corner and i noticed for the first time something. i saw the many maple sap buckets hanging from the trees along the road. you see, this is what Chardon is known for, or was anyway. sure, it wasn't nationally known, it was barely known outside the Cleveland area, but those of us who grew up there, that's what we knew. we knew that this time of year, this season, its tapping season. but now, now we are known for this tragedy. and not just in the Cleveland area, national, and internationally, worldwide.

my prayer is that this tragedy is not the legacy that this small town carries. my prayer is that this tragedy is just the spark of a revival in this community. that in this chaos, in this madness, in this pain and hurt and sadness, that Christ shines. that as a result of this evil moment, hearts and minds will be open to Jesus. that it won't be maple sap buckets, it won't be a school shooting, but it will be a legacy of love, a legacy of compassion and a reflection of Jesus Christ that this town carries. i am praying for you Chardon.

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the confusion i feel... maybe its time to cross this line

i have not felt motivated to write lately, like at all. even my twitter account has sat mostly dormant over the last few weeks. i am not sure why i don't feel like writing, i just don't. part of it may have to do with a general feeling of frustration i have felt for a little while.

many people know that i have been actively looking to re-enter into full time ministry. i have been on a sabbatical, for lack of a better description, for about two years now. i have been doing a lot of self-examination, exploring, seeking wise counsel, praying, reading and the like. i have had the chance to really look at who i am, and to explore what God has made me for. through this process i have looked at a variety of options going forward. i have looked at changing careers completely, furthering my education, changing directions within ministry, and other options. i have come through this time with a strong calling to return to ministry full time. i have this overwhelming sense that God has designed me, packed me if you will in a specific way in order for Him to use me in ministry.

because of this, i have been actively searching for the place God has for myself and my family as we begin this next phase of the journey. i will say this process has been one of challenges, difficulties, revelations, growth, development, frustration. the word i would use to describe a large part of this process would be disappointment. it has been through this process that i have grown unnervingly disappointed with many churches. through a little "research" by reading other blogs and hearing stories of other people seeking to enter into ministry in a church setting, much like i am, my stories and experiences in this process are not unique. which is unbelievably disappointing and frustrating.

the one major thing that stands out to me in this process from many, many, not all, but many churches is a complete lack of respect and decency towards those people inquiring about ministry opportunities at those churches. flat out ignoring attempts at contact and communication. flat out lying about plans to contact me. telling me that you will be getting back to me and then never doing so. replying to my resume submission with a letter 2 months later saying "thank you for applying for __________ position, we have decided not to move forward with you but it was a pleasure to meet you, speak with and get to know you." meet me? speak with me? get to know you? this is the first exchange we have had! pay attention!

am i wrong for thinking that churches, CHURCHES!, of all places should be a little more respectful, honest and forthright in their processes? is that really to much to ask. the benefit in all this, is based on the lack of respect and decency it affirms for me my desire to not be a part of those churches and rather to seek my place where God wants me. i know that God has a plan and purpose for my life and it is there that i long to be.

--aaron

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standing on this hillside...

so the title of this creative outlet, "Whats Expected of Me" is a bit of a play on the fact that at this point in my life, i have reached a point where most people who know me, think they know me. i have presented who i am, but there are some aspects about who i am that don't come out all that often. one side of that is a through some writing. i know, that saying that on a written blog sounds weird, but the writing i am talking about is a more creative, poetic style, one that i have had flow through me for most of my life, its something that comes out when i feel like i am not able to express clearly how i am responding to something, typically its out of a place of feeling stuck, or trapped. sometimes is a response from how i have progress through that feeling, other times its from the midst of that feeling. anyway, this is something that i just had come out of me, its not meant for anything other then to maybe give a glimpse into where i am at right now...

Standing on the crest of the hill, over looking it all.
Overwhelmed.
A young man, but only in his hopes and dreams
In the deep lines that spread from his eyes
He was clearly not a young man, not anymore.

Filled with so many questions,
It seemed so long since he was permitted to ask.
Still struggles if he has earned the right to speak up
The indications are so strongly suggesting, no.

Time, its time to come down from the hill.
Its clearly time.
The opportunity to just stand there could not last.
Things have to move on, with or without him.
The climb back down feels more like a tumble.

These lines, this lesson,
The words spoken or never spoken, but shared,
All helping him see, helping him know,
Its not about his time on that hill.
Its about his journey back down.

--aaron

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authentic, nah, its easier to fake it

its been about two years since i left a full time ministry position. its been about two years since i have had to fake it. yes, that's right, i said that out loud. its not something i was aware of in the moment, and i would have never said i was faking it during that time. but i know now that i was indeed faking it. i was not being authentic, i was not "keeping it real" as the kids say on the street (for the record, i am not sure what the kids say on the street, i am decidedly less then hip)

a little background, i was a student pastor for about 10 years at two different churches. i worked in a mainline denomination church, both with a distinct identity for the congregation. one was clearly mission based, service based, had a heart for community both locally and globally. the other was a church that embraced its sacred music, the church took great pride in its choirs, its hand bells, even its pipe organ. i started young, i didn't really know what i was doing, i just tried hard to make a connection to the students, and i tried hard to make parents happy. i worked with leadership that had some profound effects on who i am today, both positive and negative. i was able to learn about myself, but not in the moment.

you see the problem was i spent a lot of my energy and a lot of my time just trying to make the right people happy. when i had conviction, when i had something that i believed in, i was usually not able to convey it because it went against the status quo. i was stuck. i was not following the leading of the Holy Spirit, i was not doing what God had for me. i was faking it. i had this sense inside me that there was more.

i was stuck, i found myself at a place where i was doing "ministry" and doing it effectively, but i felt lost. i felt like i was spinning my wheels. it was time to stop. it was time to step back from it all and really seek God's will, seek his leading. i needed to look at how God packed me, made me, see how as a unique creation i was allowing God to work in, with and through me.

i have spent the last two years doing that. i have had a chance to take time for personal spiritual growth, to lead a small group, to be involved in other aspects of church life that i was not able to be involved in as a student pastor. and i have learned so much, so much about how i was viewing myself, and more importantly, how i was viewing my God.

i know more clearly how God has built me, i am more aware of my own personal gifts, talents and abilities. i am seeking a better understanding of the way the Holy Spirit works through me and what my spiritualities are. i am knowing spending my time seeking God's plan, his will for my life and for my family. and i am more comfortable then i have ever been in my understanding of who i am.

--aaron


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won't do me no good washing in the river, can't no preacher man save my soul

i am here taking a moment to enjoy a cup of coffee, listening to The Civil Wars outstanding album, Barton Hollow, (thanks kyle). lately i have been thinking more and more about the role of pastors in churches. whats odd is that the topic seems to have presented itself to me, its not something i brought up myself. i have had several readings, podcasts, blog posts, articles all seem to "fall into my lap" on the subject. its those kind of things that are hard to ignore. i can can pretend like this one article was "interesting but who cares" and this blog post "is probably important for someone to read" but when its several of them, all at once, from many different directions, well, God, you have my attention.

i have been thinking about churches, and what the purpose of them is, how they function, what is the need being met for individuals, for communities, for the collective church congregation, for the world both near to us and across the world? its pretty accepted that the "mega-church" model is not the ideal model, and most of the mega-churches have found issues with building community and developing disciples because of a disconnect with in the congregation. many of these churches have seen the value in getting people into smaller community groups/small groups/accountability groups whatever you want to call them. i know for myself, the small group is very valuable. i attend a church with an average attendance of about 1200-1300 each week. that is pretty large, but its not overwhelming. i also believe that the leadership in place have done a good job of creating an environment and attitude of welcoming and openness.

i think that as churches have grown we have seen a shift in the role of a pastor. some of it is good, but a lot is not. the pastors are forced to take on a level of "business" that to me seems to be a big distraction. part of the problem is that like with just about everything, financial issues are present. and it falls on pastors to have to deal with them. for many larger churches there are other people involved in the financial areas. we also have the fact that for many of these large churches, they for better or worse have huge buildings to deal with. there are many issues that come into play; making the best use of the space, using it in the proper way to benefit the community but also make sure the building stays in good shape and on and on.

pastors need to be able to focus on discipleship. that is the conclusion that i have come to. that needs to be one of the main focus points. the fact is that this is a generation, a place in time, where the focus is no longer what can i (a member of the congregation) do for my church, but rather what can the church do for me. i think we have lost it, the point. we have forgotten, gotten away from the idea that as a follower of Christ we are called to serve. we are no longer focused on ourselves. there are to many responsibilities that we need to be taking on within our church communities that are being left to staff, to pastors. to many of us have no idea what it means to be disciples anymore. i fear that we see "being a disciple" as something that isn't possible, its only for people who were directly connected to Jesus when he walked on earth. well, the fact is, as a believer, as a follower of Jesus, we are directly connected.

i am someone very intrigued by the rise of the home church movement. i see so much good that comes out of the community that is built in that, so much that can happen when people are committed to each other because they are committed to Jesus. that is what a small group is to me. that is why i enjoy it so much. i look forward to the journey the American church is on, i firmly believe that we, the American church, are on the cusp of a revival. i look forward to it...

--aaron

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hear my cry...

Psalm 88:1 Lord, you are the God who saves me; day and night I cry out to you. 2 May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.

its so easy to get frustrated sometimes with where we are in life. i am someone who has been on a search, a journey over the last couple of years. i have been seeking to get past me, to get over myself. one of the things i have learned about myself, and about my time in ministry was that i was driven at times, more by ego then by my passion to serve, or to see lives changed. i made it about myself to often. i have had a chance to realize that i was getting in the way of God. i hate it. i hate that it has taken me so long to see it. i hate that it may have had an impact on how other people who i have had an influence on have developed their own relationships with God.

i have also realized that i need to fully sacrifice myself on the altar, and allow God to work through me, and to get out of the way. its not about me, i can not forget that.

i am now finding that i need to wait, to listen to the still small voice and trust God to be in control of this whole life. my very, very human-ness makes that a challenge. but i know that i want God to be in control. i cry out to Him to take over, to work in me and to work through me, and to use me. not my will, but His. and now... i wait.



Psalm 40

1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.

4 Blessed are those
who make the Lord their trust,
who do not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.

--aaron

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and my head told my heart 'let love grow'

i have spent a lot of my music listening time over the last several weeks engrossed in the album Sigh No More from the british band Mumford and Sons.

i have always been someone who can be taken to a place where i feel very close to God through music. and while Mumford and Sons are not a worship band, to me, their music is some of the most worshipful to me right now. they make music that is filled with passion, true emotion, a blend of hope and heartache that is genuine to me. so much "art" is made for other people, but to me, the best art is made for the artist. when the artist is not desiring to reach anyone, but rather are pouring themselves out for their own benefit, that is when the best art is made.

the album may not be for everyone, and there is at least one track that some Christian audiences would gasp at if i told them it was the most worshipful album i am listening to right now. but music has this ability to connect to people on a level that absolutely nothing else can. there is no way to explain why a child will intuitively dance to music without ever being shown what it is to dance. music reaches our soul, we don't have the same defenses to music as we do to empty speeches or hurtful language. we let music in when we block everything else out. that is what makes it so personal, and in turn, so beautiful.



--aaron

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for unto us...

this time of year is one of my favorites. i really love Christmas for a variety of reasons. first i love the idea of recognizing the idea of God coming to us, to live in a human body, the meaning behind that, the purpose for his time on earth, i think its important to celebrate that time, and Christmas is exactly for that. i think that its interesting when people get all up in arms about how Jesus was most likely not born on December 25th, it doesn't matter, that's not the point, its taking time to recognize this part of the story, love coming down and living side by side with us.

i also love the family aspect of Christmas, getting together with loved ones, spending time with them, celebrating with them. its a busy world, and there seems to be so much time that passes us by before we even realize it. sometimes it takes a holiday for us to be able to stop and appreciate our family and friends.

i even love the St. Nicholas/Santa Claus stuff. i know some people feel like to much emphasis is placed on Santa Claus and gifts and whatever, a lot of Christian families don't even like the whole Santa Claus thing at all. i love it. i think that its something magical and special and look forward to seeing the twinkle in my kids eyes for sometime as they grow up. now, i know that its something that people say may be hard for kids to differentiate, how can we justify that Jesus Christ is really real, and Santa is not, to that i say, its how i live my life. its the example i set for my kids. St. Nicholas was very much real, the spirit inside of him is the same Holy Spirit i carry inside of me, that causes me to be Santa Claus to people that i come in contact with this time of year.

a very talented musician, and someone who i would consider a friend, Justin McRoberts, has a very beautiful song that is one of my favorite Christmas songs, to be honest its one i listen to year round

i put together this video because i wanted to be able to share this song, consider it a Christmas present from me to you, share it, its available on vimeo Born Beneath These Stars or on YouTube Born Beneath These Stars

merry Christmas

-aaron
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it ain't that easy...

yesterday i had the opportunity to be in a group of college students. i was really enjoying listening to them share their lives with each other, watching their interaction with each other. it was some really good discussion. one of the thoughts being talked about was the idea that living in our sin can be easier then living "right", that its easier to not even try and be good, and just do whatever.

what i enjoyed was listening to these college age students talk about how they have had to make an effort to do the things they know are right. they come from varying backgrounds, and the challenges they have faced and are facing are all different, but the constant theme was that its not easy. many of the things being said were about how it took a while of living in that darkness before they made the choice to turn away from stuff they knew they shouldn't be involved in, or people that they shouldn't have in their lives. the general consensus was that it was just easier to live in sin, so they stayed in it longer.

i found it interesting, this idea that it is easier to be in our sin, then it is to choose to live away from it. i think that what i have noticed about living in my own sin is that it is easy. its easy because it doesn't take any effort from me. what i mean by that is when i allow myself to be submerged in my sin, i am no longer doing anything of effort, i have stopped making choices, stopped working to keep myself on a path, i have given up the control to Satan, and am allowing him to make the decisions. Satan knows that we are a lazy people, we will choose the path that takes no effort. its not until we start to make some decisions, start to work, to put forth an effort that we will face challenges that take work to overcome. what is regretful is that when we are in midst of our worst moments, in the midst of our full abandonment of following Christ, we fail to see that it is all worth it. that taking up our cross is not easy, but its worth it.

--aaron
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learning to need you

i have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about what my role is. what is the part i play. i think its something that can thought about for endless hours. its interesting because that role changes with all the environments we find ourselves in.

i am a husband, a father, a brother, a son, a friend, a mentor, a disciple, a student, a writer, a thinker, a teacher, a leader, a follower and on and on. in all of those things, i have different things that i am responsible for, different things that i have to fulfill. it wasn't that long ago that i found myself in a place of feeling completely overwhelmed. a place where looking at what i was supposed to be doing left me feeling like i couldn't do any of it.

i think we all feel that way, we all have these times when its too much to handle. for a lot of it i ignore it all, try to focus on that one thing i can handle at the moment. but there are times when it all just catches you, and its those times that we feel the despair, the hopelessness, the pain of trying to do it all.

as sad as it is for me to say, its only now, thirty four years into all of this, that i am just beginning to realize that i am indeed all of those things i listed myself as, but i am first and foremost a beloved child of God. and that when i lean on that, when i fully accept that, i am able to not feel hopeless, but to feel like i can do what God expects of me. i wish that i could say that idea is always, 100% in the forefront of my mind. i still have moments of anxiousness, moments of despair, moments that i feel hopeless. the thing about those moments every time is that the come from the place where i lose my focus, where i don't keep my eyes on who is giving me the opportunity to even be these things.

(by the way, i am finding myself listening to a lot of Justin McRoberts lately, hence the blog post title, you should find yourself listening to a lot of Justin McRoberts too!)

--aaron

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it really is whats expected of me

i am currently involved in a small group. its a great experience. joining with people on a journey, having people alongside you to ask the questions you have not even thought of, to show you something you didn't know was even there. people to support you, to love you, to inspire you when it seems to hard to do on your own. i really love it. we are currently making our way through a study based around the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. it has been interesting, the discussions have been great because our group comes from a very diverse background, and the places that people are at in their current lives lends itself to a dynamic that could not be manufactured.

there was a scripture reference that we read the other day. it was from the Book of James, which for those that know me are fully aware, its a book that i cherish, i love reading, and re-reading, a re-reading again James. this verse we read i have read several hundred times, i am sure of it. but for what ever reason, the way it was singled out in our discussion, it made me stop and really think it through. its a simple verse, its not something that needs a lot of theological debate about its hidden meaning, because its not hidden. the verse is James 4:17 (TNIV)

So then, if you know the good you ought to do and don’t do it, you sin.


for some reason, it just jumped at me, like a crazy man in the alley with a knife! it came at me and forced me to stop and look at what was happening. you see we all try and be the best we can, we try to behave, we try to be good little boys and girls. we say the right words, we say please and thank you, we hold open doors for people, we help little old ladies cross the street.

but we are responsible for so much more. we have an obligation. there are people hurting and we are ignoring it. we turn a blind eye, because its uncomfortable. its not easy to see poverty, to see homelessness, to see parts of our own communities that we wish weren't there. and we drive out of the way to avoid it. instead of getting dirty and doing what we know we ought to do, we don't do it, and we sin. and that is just locally. that's not even looking at AIDS, poverty, hunger, lack of water around the globe.

and that is just the stuff that is easy to explain, it is almost obvious that we could be doing something in those situations. if it comes down to it, i know that i can donate some money or time to a worthy cause that is helping these things. but what about the stuff that is harder to handle? what about the way we treat people different than us? what about homosexual people who we give a cold shoulder to because we don't really know how to address that. or people who have screwed up their lives and we aren't willing to give them a second (or third or fourth or 18th)chance? what we ought to do is love. we ought to be more concerned about the person, and less about their issues. i am someone who has been given extra chances by people closest to me. and i am forever grateful for it. i was moments from losing everything in my life, and that is not an exaggeration, that is a fact. but people stepped in. and did what they ought to.

this isn't even getting into the fact that Christ goes well beyond giving us our 18th chance, goes beyond what he ought to do. for Christ, he sets the example because for him, its not a discussion of what he ought to do, its what he does. its how we should strive to be. to a point where its not up for debate if we ought to do it or not, we just do what is expected of us.

--aaron
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in the quiet of the night...

i am sitting in my favorite chair, my laptop resting on the arm, the house is quiet. the kids are in bed, my wife went to bed early, i have cleaned up the house, shut off the television, the baseball game has just ended... its quiet. its nice.

there seems to be no quiet in the world anymore. this time of year, the height of political season, doesn't help that feeling. radio and television are overwhelmed with ads that are filled with negativity. my kids, who i love very, very much, are kids, they are two and three years old, they are young kids, and they are loud, and needy, and they don't get the value of silence, and they shouldn't. but its in these times, right now, with the only sound the clicking of the keyboard, that i am able to stop, and listen, to nothing.

i wonder if God feels like i do sometimes. its not political ads that overwhelm him. but our neediness, our loudness, our lack of value of silence. we don't stop and listen to him. we don't take time to just listen, to be quiet and let him speak to us. we are so busy making noise we don't hear what he has to say.

i pray that i am able to better quiet myself before God, that i can spend more time being silent. i know how valuable the quiet time is for me

--aaron
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breaking down the door...

i am sitting here, staring at a screen, feeling compelled to write, but not sure what to write. its a feeling that has become somewhat common for me as of late. i have felt like i need to be compiling, organizing and making an inventory of my thoughts. that something is happening. and i need to be cognizant of what that may be.

i feel like God is preparing me, my wife, my kids for something big. i can't see what it is, i just have this sense that i, we, have been preparing. the very human side of me is frustrated with God in all of this. i am frustrated because i am the kind of person who needs to have some control. i am the kind of person who feels like i should be "in the know", and in this situation, i am not. i don't know what God has in store for me. i have my hopes, i have my preferences, but i also understand i am an idiot and i have followed my preferences to many times and allowed myself to get into a situation that was not the best for myself, or my family. i have committed to really allowing myself to be open to what God has for me, to really open myself up to his leading. i have been feeling pulled in a certain direction in ministry, for a little while now. and i am fairly confident that its the direction that God has for me, but i am also frustrated because it seems like he is taking a lot of time to prepare me for that next step, making sure i am really ready for it. and i am feeling like i am ready, but then i think about how i have jumped into so many things in my life without really being ready. i have thrown myself into things and not be as prepared as i needed to be, and its been a difficult road to travel. so i need to remind myself that the preparation is a very important part of the journey, and that its essential for success.

i will continue to pray for God's leading hand. i will continue to seek wise counsel from people i respect. i will continue to pray for the Holy Spirit to show me that things i need to be doing. and i will wait anxiously for God to open that door for me to burst through!


--aaron
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God is Love...

well, as i sit here at my kitchen table, a home made iced coffee to my left for me to enjoy, a few books to my right for me to enjoy, David Crowder Band's version of "How He Loves Us" playing on my laptop speakers, i have so many things running through my head. thoughts about my family, my kids and how my wife and i can be the best parents for them. thoughts about my wife and how i can be a better husband to her. my career and what that even means anymore. my faith and how i can continue to develop in it.

i am facilitating a small group of young adults and we are journeying through the book "Crazy Love: overwhelmed by a relentless God" by Francis Chan. we are just beginning to meet, but as the leader, i have been studying it for a little while now. its of course fantastic stuff, i have been a francis chan "fan" for a while.

there has been this one passage from the book that i read, and have re-read about 50 times since i first read it. its this thing that seems so basic, so obvious, but its something i needed to hear, and based on me re-reading, have needed to hear again, and again. i am currently in this place of seeking God's leading, i am exploring this tugging on my heart and my mind that i have felt from the Holy Spirit for a little bit now. as i have been exploring the picture that i am confident God is painting before me, some of my very, very human side has crept in, this idea of question God and his power, his wisdom, and if he can truly handle what i am dealing with. that is where this passage from "Crazy Love" comes in. instead of me trying to explain, i will let you read it for yourself, because, frankly, francis chan is a bit more skilled then i am at putting together this thought.

"When I am consumed by my problems --- stressed out about my life, my family, and my job --- i actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important that God's command to always rejoice. In other words, that I have a right to disobey God because of the magnitude of my responsibilities.

Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace toward others, or our tight grip of control.

Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it's okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance. They declare our tendency to forget that we've been forgiven, that our lives here are brief, that we are headed to a place where we won't be lonely, afraid, or hurt ever again, and that in the context of God's strength, our problems are small, indeed.

We are we so quick to forget God? Who do we think we are? I find myself relearning this lesson often. Even thought I glimpse God's holiness, I am still dumb enough to forget that life is all about God and not about me at all." -- Francis Chan "Crazy Love" chapter 2 'You Might Not Finish This Chapter'


its to often i find myself consumed with myself, i think we all do. it all seems so big, so much, so important. and what happens? i forsake relationships, i forsake my God, because i am arrogant enough to believe that i am bigger than everything else. as francis chan says in that passage "Who do we think we are?" who do i think i am?

i pray that i am able to continuously see God in all of it, and to rejoice in Him, through it all.

--aaron
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its about my journey

so, for a while now i have had a blog. now that blog has been inactive for a while now. that blog was designed as an outlet, a humorous outlet for the most part, an outlet for random, petty frustrations. it was a way for me to vent about really meaningless things that just annoyed me. topics included christmas decorations, grocery shoppers, people who litter and the like. it was not to be taken to seriously. i want to continue that blog. i want to rededicate myself to it, because frankly i enjoyed it, it was a good release, and it helped me work on my comedic writing. so, i will be doing that, i promise.

in addition to that blog, i have decided its time for me to become more focused in my writing. to take this more seriously. so i have started this blog. this is a place for me to discuss the many aspects of my life. its a place for me to comment on how my family, my faith, my interests, my work, and my thoughts all collide and make up who i am. i want to stay dedicated to this, not for the readers benefit, but for my own. i look forward to this journey.

--aaron
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