Wednesday, October 6, 2010

breaking down the door...

i am sitting here, staring at a screen, feeling compelled to write, but not sure what to write. its a feeling that has become somewhat common for me as of late. i have felt like i need to be compiling, organizing and making an inventory of my thoughts. that something is happening. and i need to be cognizant of what that may be.

i feel like God is preparing me, my wife, my kids for something big. i can't see what it is, i just have this sense that i, we, have been preparing. the very human side of me is frustrated with God in all of this. i am frustrated because i am the kind of person who needs to have some control. i am the kind of person who feels like i should be "in the know", and in this situation, i am not. i don't know what God has in store for me. i have my hopes, i have my preferences, but i also understand i am an idiot and i have followed my preferences to many times and allowed myself to get into a situation that was not the best for myself, or my family. i have committed to really allowing myself to be open to what God has for me, to really open myself up to his leading. i have been feeling pulled in a certain direction in ministry, for a little while now. and i am fairly confident that its the direction that God has for me, but i am also frustrated because it seems like he is taking a lot of time to prepare me for that next step, making sure i am really ready for it. and i am feeling like i am ready, but then i think about how i have jumped into so many things in my life without really being ready. i have thrown myself into things and not be as prepared as i needed to be, and its been a difficult road to travel. so i need to remind myself that the preparation is a very important part of the journey, and that its essential for success.

i will continue to pray for God's leading hand. i will continue to seek wise counsel from people i respect. i will continue to pray for the Holy Spirit to show me that things i need to be doing. and i will wait anxiously for God to open that door for me to burst through!


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